One of the things about a diagnosis of autism received well into adulthood is it changes your entire past. Everything that ever went wrong for you socially, every physical task you just couldn't perform, every relationship that was toxic and left you lost, every job at which you've failed to succeed, and every time you've felt your back to the wall because, somehow, you were the one holding yourself against it and you couldn't make yourself let go all must be reevaluated and seen in light of the fact that something was wrong with you the whole time. There's a reason the other kids didn't want to be your friend, that your motor skills aren't normal, that connecting with someone romantically is full of toil and unseen danger, that you couldn't handle the workplace politics, break room interactions, multitasking, or pressure, and you've so long thought of yourself as your own worst any. Any or none of these things may apply to a given autistic. They all apply to me, and it's forced me to reevaluate everything.
The healthy part of this kind of reevaluating is that it compels me to let go of a lot of anger, especially towards the people with whom I grew up. Sure, I was constantly picked on, socially isolated, had soccer ball kicked in my nuts once, and, by high school, was regularly and literally spat upon, but I can't really blame my former classmates for any of that. First of all, they were just kids, second of all I should really let it go after 16 years, and third of all I was so weird that they probably didn't know how to react to me. Hell, I sure didn't know how to react to me. On some level, this kind of behavior is about social correction. Negative reinforcement is supplied both consciously and unconsciously in an attempt to enforce conformity to social norms. How were they supposed to know that I was neurologically unable to conform to norms? An autistic like me needs logical reasons to forgive being wronged and I think this meets that criteria. Certain of the worst offenders have apologized to me, which is nice, but I still had to put it to bed myself.
Having concluded that I am not employable or capable of managing a relationship means concluding that I never was in the first place. So the negative part of all this reevaluating is that I'm seeing a lot of futility and wasted time in my past. It seems every employer for whom I briefly and unsuccessfully worked a job, or even presented a resume and/or filled out an application, is owed an apology for wasting their time. Likewise, all of the women I've dated or asked out, expect for the ones who simply set out to hurt me, deserve an apology for wasting their time. Essentially, as I reevaluate my past, I find I must either forgive or ask for forgiveness. Of course, all of this was necessary in the learning process, but that very learning process is one of the most lamentable things about undiagnosed autism. In the process of learning your limitations and interacting with others, you're going to give and get a whole lot of hurt. Once you know you have autism, you can start going a little easier on people and, hopefully, they can go a little easier on you.
-Frank
Friday, January 16, 2015
Thursday, January 15, 2015
If You Give Up
Many of my recent articles are about autism directly, and this one is too. However, it is not about it as directly because it is about what men are to do once they realize they cannot manage relationships. Autistic women are not included here for a few reasons, such as underdiagnosis, the fact that the relevant hard and soft sciences know far less about them than their male counterparts, and the simple fact that I am not an autistic woman. If you doubt that this is a fairly common circumstance for autistic men, I invite you to go on the autistic message board sometime and try not to drown in the river of tears you will find. Compared to some autistic men, not including low-functioning enough ones that are incapable of human interaction in the first place, I have done sort of well. Six serious relationships, one engagement, a few one night stands, and the like are better than you'll find quite a few autistic men ever manage to do. Some keep trying, even in futility, but there are plenty, like me, who call it quits.
The first thing I want to address is that it is important to guard against the onset of misogyny. Here, there is much overlap with the geek community, which is a population grouping with which autistic men often find themselves affiliated. Both groups of men often find themselves practitioners of sexist practices like putting women on a pedestal, the Madonna/whore complex, feelings of sexual entitlement, and viewing women as prizes to be won. At worst, resentment can lead to more hostile sexism like slut-shaming, verbally attacking attractive women for being unattainable and unattractive women for not living up to their expectations, and complaining of being friendzoned/that women only go for jerks. Maturity is the cure for all this, starting with the understanding that your problems, whatever they are, are your own and that women of all stripes have their own lives to lead, problems to solve, and no obligation whatsoever to solve yours or be with you despite them. What you want can be the thing you hate, but you must not.
Maturity will mean that, once you've figured our that you can't manage relationships, you must avoid the temptation to be in them. I could probably get into another one if I wanted to by getting back on match, but I know better than that. If you want sexual release, go use the Internet for its primary purpose and, if you require a simulation of intimacy, and are willing to accept the dangers, pay a professional. Otherwise, the female of the species ought to be functionally no different in the context of your interactions than the male of the species. You may, like me, wonder if giving up on love means accepting a loss of your basic humanity. Well, yes it does and that's a bitter pill you are obligated to swallow. Yours will be a life of no one to lie beside you at night, no children to carry on your legacy, and, ultimately, the loss of a family life. Accepting this is as painful as it is necessary. Maybe you believe you can yet manage relationships, and, if so, keep plugging away. Give up completely if you're going to give up though, and find what peace you can.
-Frank
The first thing I want to address is that it is important to guard against the onset of misogyny. Here, there is much overlap with the geek community, which is a population grouping with which autistic men often find themselves affiliated. Both groups of men often find themselves practitioners of sexist practices like putting women on a pedestal, the Madonna/whore complex, feelings of sexual entitlement, and viewing women as prizes to be won. At worst, resentment can lead to more hostile sexism like slut-shaming, verbally attacking attractive women for being unattainable and unattractive women for not living up to their expectations, and complaining of being friendzoned/that women only go for jerks. Maturity is the cure for all this, starting with the understanding that your problems, whatever they are, are your own and that women of all stripes have their own lives to lead, problems to solve, and no obligation whatsoever to solve yours or be with you despite them. What you want can be the thing you hate, but you must not.
Maturity will mean that, once you've figured our that you can't manage relationships, you must avoid the temptation to be in them. I could probably get into another one if I wanted to by getting back on match, but I know better than that. If you want sexual release, go use the Internet for its primary purpose and, if you require a simulation of intimacy, and are willing to accept the dangers, pay a professional. Otherwise, the female of the species ought to be functionally no different in the context of your interactions than the male of the species. You may, like me, wonder if giving up on love means accepting a loss of your basic humanity. Well, yes it does and that's a bitter pill you are obligated to swallow. Yours will be a life of no one to lie beside you at night, no children to carry on your legacy, and, ultimately, the loss of a family life. Accepting this is as painful as it is necessary. Maybe you believe you can yet manage relationships, and, if so, keep plugging away. Give up completely if you're going to give up though, and find what peace you can.
-Frank
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Delayed Diagnosis
A lot of the focus of the attention that autism gets is on autistic children. I have mixed feelings about this. Obviously, children of any sort are among the most vulnerable of society and, as such, deserve the best attention and care we can give them. Childhood is a time when autistics can often be friendless and trapped in a school system that seems designed to bully them and make them feel every bit the alienated outcast most autistics feel they are during that time. However, it is important to remember that autistics grow up. Many autistic adults around nowadays grew up in a time when autism was not well-understood, even by the medical and psychological community, and underdiagnosis was a serious problem. Therefore, many weren't diagnosed until adulthood, as was the case with me at 27. Experiencing autism in this way is, I believe, a unique experience and markedly different than the way modern kids diagnosed will experience it.
In some of my pre-diagnosis writings, you can read me making references to an unseen internal enemy holding me back or tripping me up in ways I could not understand or even name. That's what undiagnosed autism feels like for an adult. A whole lifetime of being accused of character defects has formed a pattern that makes you ask a lot of questions. My first day of preschool, I got two shiners from a girl who attacked me because I was, "weird," as she termed it, which set the tone for how my classmates would think of me, all through my life, I was in constant trouble for talking too much or about things no one cared about, which I could never seen to control and caused everyone to label me, "annoying," and physical problems like my inability to learn to ride a bicycle or operate a broom or mop were labeled as, "laziness," or, for the more unrefined, "being a giant pussy." Similar experiences for autistics diagnosed as adults all add up to a life trying to figure out what the hell our problem is.
An undiagnosed autistic adult didn't have therapy to develop coping mechanisms, specialized career training meant to help them adapt to a workplace, a solid understanding that their stubbornness is rooted in anxiety, knowledge of their type of autistic mind and the ability to use that knowledge to better adapt, or the support and understanding of family and friends who knew they could not help but succumb to their eccentricities. They have spent their entire lives being called a retard, weird, incompetent, lazy, argumentative, incorrigible, off, and to shut up. One autistic I know wasn't diagnosed until the age of 40 after three failed marriages, self-medicating with alcohol, and having the unknown and unknowable phantom destroy every last career he attempted. He and I now have a name for our pain but wow does it ever seem to have come too late. All we can ask neurotypicals is that they remember that, just because they can't see our disability, that doesn't mean it isn't there. So focus on the kids, yeah, but don't forget us. Don't forget to do better by them than was done for us.
-Frank
In some of my pre-diagnosis writings, you can read me making references to an unseen internal enemy holding me back or tripping me up in ways I could not understand or even name. That's what undiagnosed autism feels like for an adult. A whole lifetime of being accused of character defects has formed a pattern that makes you ask a lot of questions. My first day of preschool, I got two shiners from a girl who attacked me because I was, "weird," as she termed it, which set the tone for how my classmates would think of me, all through my life, I was in constant trouble for talking too much or about things no one cared about, which I could never seen to control and caused everyone to label me, "annoying," and physical problems like my inability to learn to ride a bicycle or operate a broom or mop were labeled as, "laziness," or, for the more unrefined, "being a giant pussy." Similar experiences for autistics diagnosed as adults all add up to a life trying to figure out what the hell our problem is.
An undiagnosed autistic adult didn't have therapy to develop coping mechanisms, specialized career training meant to help them adapt to a workplace, a solid understanding that their stubbornness is rooted in anxiety, knowledge of their type of autistic mind and the ability to use that knowledge to better adapt, or the support and understanding of family and friends who knew they could not help but succumb to their eccentricities. They have spent their entire lives being called a retard, weird, incompetent, lazy, argumentative, incorrigible, off, and to shut up. One autistic I know wasn't diagnosed until the age of 40 after three failed marriages, self-medicating with alcohol, and having the unknown and unknowable phantom destroy every last career he attempted. He and I now have a name for our pain but wow does it ever seem to have come too late. All we can ask neurotypicals is that they remember that, just because they can't see our disability, that doesn't mean it isn't there. So focus on the kids, yeah, but don't forget us. Don't forget to do better by them than was done for us.
-Frank
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Advice Regarding Kids With Autism
I've written before on why I shouldn't work with autistic kids. A distinct, but related issue, is whether I should advise people who suddenly find themselves with newly diagnosed children, relatives, or young people about whom they care. Honestly, this comes up far more often and is much harder to dismiss for two reasons. First of all, it is hard to dismiss someone in a state of mild to severe panic asking for your help. Second of all, while I definitely feel I'd be of little help directly interacting with autistic kids personally, it is also clear to me that I have a unique knowledge of autism and a skill set for communication that makes me an effective advocate. All that being the case, I will use this article to present what advice I can offer if one finds oneself in the unfortunate position of finding it relevant to the lives of people about whom they care. Other autistic adults have found me to be a useful confidante as well, but that's another matter and another article.
So you find yourself with a kid in your life on the spectrum. My first advice to you is the same as the advice The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy would offer you. Don't panic. Lots of reasons you might panic are foolish and, besides, panicking won't help. Depending on the age of diagnosis, a lot may be explained by the knowledge of the condition. For example, if the kid never managed to ride a bike, couldn't stand to be touched, had noise sensitivity, obsessive interests, gastrointestinal problems, poor social skills to the point of a complete inability to make friends, or a reliance on stereotyped behavior to accomplish tasks, to name a few, you might find you now have an explanation. Now, you may not find all of those. Autism is like a big ol' bowl of marbles and each autistic reaches in and grabs a handful. Each marble represents a trait of autism and what traits present indicate a great deal of what you can expect.
Let's talk severity. High-functioning autistics are going to be strange in a way others won't quite be able to put their finger on, but they'll subtly know something is, "off," about them. However, they may be able to form friendships, maintain relationships, and achieve gainful employment, depending on how well they develop coping mechanisms through specialized therapy. More on coping mechanisms later. Low functioning autistics can have a variety of undesirable traits. They may be entirely nonverbal, rock back and forth, have no discernible ability to interact with the outside world, and even in a persistent catatonic state from which they will never emerge. Generally speaking, you'll know if the kid is low-functioning without getting tests done and, if that's the case, you'll have a long and heartbreaking road ahead of you. I'm not going to sugarcoat this. A low-functioning autistic is a dependent you will have for the rest of your life without significant medical breakthroughs.
An autistic kid in therapy will have one goal as an outcome of said therapy, which is developing coping mechanisms. Coping mechanisms are the ability to simulate behavior or other capabilities of neurotypicals (those not on the spectrum) and are crucial for achieving the goal of independent living. For high-functioning autistics, tasks like paying bills, maintaining personal hygiene, and getting up and going to school/work every day shouldn't present a problem, so the focus of coping mechanism development will mainly be in improving social skills, relieving anxiety, and improving dexterity and coordination. If you don't think dexterity and coordination can limit you, bear in mind that I am unable to operate a broom or mop correctly. Low-functioning autistics take more work to develop coping mechanisms and the goals are more basic. Things like getting them to talk or accept human touch are often the best one can expect to achieve.
The hardest question you're going to ask yourself is going to be, "What happens to my child/relative/kid I care about when I die?" Ideally, the answer to that is that they will have developed enough coping mechanisms to have achieved independent living, but we don't live in an ideal world. I am not capable of independent living and my family set aside money for me for this reason. Generally, it's good to come up with an answer to that question, just in case the autism is too acute, despite the best efforts of everyone involved. In Missouri, autistics can qualify for disability, and I know one who has done so. That's enough to eat and keep a roof over one's head, but not much else. Cures and treatments based on augmenting the unique autistic gut flora and gene therapy are in their infancy, but kids today might be able to be cured of it one day. Children with autism are dealt a stroke of bad luck I would not wish upon anyone, but know that there are things you can do to fight back. This is a long road that can end in great sadness, but don't let that stop you from going down fighting.
-Frank
So you find yourself with a kid in your life on the spectrum. My first advice to you is the same as the advice The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy would offer you. Don't panic. Lots of reasons you might panic are foolish and, besides, panicking won't help. Depending on the age of diagnosis, a lot may be explained by the knowledge of the condition. For example, if the kid never managed to ride a bike, couldn't stand to be touched, had noise sensitivity, obsessive interests, gastrointestinal problems, poor social skills to the point of a complete inability to make friends, or a reliance on stereotyped behavior to accomplish tasks, to name a few, you might find you now have an explanation. Now, you may not find all of those. Autism is like a big ol' bowl of marbles and each autistic reaches in and grabs a handful. Each marble represents a trait of autism and what traits present indicate a great deal of what you can expect.
Let's talk severity. High-functioning autistics are going to be strange in a way others won't quite be able to put their finger on, but they'll subtly know something is, "off," about them. However, they may be able to form friendships, maintain relationships, and achieve gainful employment, depending on how well they develop coping mechanisms through specialized therapy. More on coping mechanisms later. Low functioning autistics can have a variety of undesirable traits. They may be entirely nonverbal, rock back and forth, have no discernible ability to interact with the outside world, and even in a persistent catatonic state from which they will never emerge. Generally speaking, you'll know if the kid is low-functioning without getting tests done and, if that's the case, you'll have a long and heartbreaking road ahead of you. I'm not going to sugarcoat this. A low-functioning autistic is a dependent you will have for the rest of your life without significant medical breakthroughs.
An autistic kid in therapy will have one goal as an outcome of said therapy, which is developing coping mechanisms. Coping mechanisms are the ability to simulate behavior or other capabilities of neurotypicals (those not on the spectrum) and are crucial for achieving the goal of independent living. For high-functioning autistics, tasks like paying bills, maintaining personal hygiene, and getting up and going to school/work every day shouldn't present a problem, so the focus of coping mechanism development will mainly be in improving social skills, relieving anxiety, and improving dexterity and coordination. If you don't think dexterity and coordination can limit you, bear in mind that I am unable to operate a broom or mop correctly. Low-functioning autistics take more work to develop coping mechanisms and the goals are more basic. Things like getting them to talk or accept human touch are often the best one can expect to achieve.
The hardest question you're going to ask yourself is going to be, "What happens to my child/relative/kid I care about when I die?" Ideally, the answer to that is that they will have developed enough coping mechanisms to have achieved independent living, but we don't live in an ideal world. I am not capable of independent living and my family set aside money for me for this reason. Generally, it's good to come up with an answer to that question, just in case the autism is too acute, despite the best efforts of everyone involved. In Missouri, autistics can qualify for disability, and I know one who has done so. That's enough to eat and keep a roof over one's head, but not much else. Cures and treatments based on augmenting the unique autistic gut flora and gene therapy are in their infancy, but kids today might be able to be cured of it one day. Children with autism are dealt a stroke of bad luck I would not wish upon anyone, but know that there are things you can do to fight back. This is a long road that can end in great sadness, but don't let that stop you from going down fighting.
-Frank
Monday, January 12, 2015
My Greatest Regret
I think things could've been different for me if I'd known, and all of the people I grew up with had known, I was autistic. It would've helped to know why I was so off and I never seemed to really be one of them. There's a lot of things I would've done differently and I'm glad modern kids get diagnosed early. Countless offenses made in the cloud of ignorance youth and autism imposed upon me likely warrant apologies to goodness knows how many parties, but most of these fade through the mists of time. Most, not all, because there is one in particular to whom I KNOW I owe an apology, because I had an obsessive crush on her for about a decade. What I would've and did call love at the time was just one of many manifestations of autistic obsessiveness, and she would be far from the last woman over whom I obsessed.
Her name will not be disclosed here because of what little common sense I possess at 33. Nothing bad ever happened, mind you. All I did was perform silly romantic stunts and talk constantly about how much I was in love with her, although, naturally, never to her face. As will be quite clear to everyone not an infatuated autistic child, this did nothing but embarrass the shit out of her and generally get on her nerves. After I left for college, I fell for a girl a year for all four undergraduate years, with a similarly obsessive MO and results. About a year after I got my B.A., I got some actual romantic experience under my belt, ending in an awful breakup. In my torment, I sent her an e-mail asking her out in a move motivated by roughly equal proportions of nostalgia, heartbreak, and autism, or, if you like, abject stupidity. Suffice it to say, the result were very clear instructions to never contact her again, which was devastating but understandable.
12-step programs have a step where one is supposed to make amends to everyone one wronged in the course of one's addiction. There is an exception to this that comes into play if the best thing you can do for whomever you have wronged is to simply never bother them again. So it is that I find myself inextricably in this position with this thing in my past that continues to haunt me. She is happily married with kids and has become a successful doctor, making an apology from me about as desirable as a hole in the head. Any honest assessment would mean that I would only be seeking forgiveness, not attempting to sincerely make amends, given all that. Mine is a common story for autistics, as you'll easily confirm by reading the stories like it on autistic message boards. Modern early diagnosis helps a lot, but I know I'll never stop regretting so many of the things I have done in the places I've been or the cost of my dreams and the weight of sins.
-Frank
Her name will not be disclosed here because of what little common sense I possess at 33. Nothing bad ever happened, mind you. All I did was perform silly romantic stunts and talk constantly about how much I was in love with her, although, naturally, never to her face. As will be quite clear to everyone not an infatuated autistic child, this did nothing but embarrass the shit out of her and generally get on her nerves. After I left for college, I fell for a girl a year for all four undergraduate years, with a similarly obsessive MO and results. About a year after I got my B.A., I got some actual romantic experience under my belt, ending in an awful breakup. In my torment, I sent her an e-mail asking her out in a move motivated by roughly equal proportions of nostalgia, heartbreak, and autism, or, if you like, abject stupidity. Suffice it to say, the result were very clear instructions to never contact her again, which was devastating but understandable.
12-step programs have a step where one is supposed to make amends to everyone one wronged in the course of one's addiction. There is an exception to this that comes into play if the best thing you can do for whomever you have wronged is to simply never bother them again. So it is that I find myself inextricably in this position with this thing in my past that continues to haunt me. She is happily married with kids and has become a successful doctor, making an apology from me about as desirable as a hole in the head. Any honest assessment would mean that I would only be seeking forgiveness, not attempting to sincerely make amends, given all that. Mine is a common story for autistics, as you'll easily confirm by reading the stories like it on autistic message boards. Modern early diagnosis helps a lot, but I know I'll never stop regretting so many of the things I have done in the places I've been or the cost of my dreams and the weight of sins.
-Frank
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Anti-Valentine's Day Cake
Last year, I was able to celebrate Valentine's Day with all the appropriate gusto one can when one is with someone. Most years, like this year, have found me alone and unable to truly celebrate the holiday in the spirit in which it was intended. I used to hate the holiday for the same reason a lot of chronically single do, which is that they simply feel overlooked and thought less of by a the presence of holiday celebrating romantic love, along with significant jealousy towards those who have love while they need go without. However, is is not really a fair way to feel. Celebration of the happiness of some is clearly not meant to overlook or downplay the misery of others. That said, there's just so clearly nothing for a single person to do on the holiday under existing tradition. Well, I've got a plan that involves acknowledging the misery, along with the freedom, that chronically single people like myself must endure, even as I openly acknowledge that I could likely find myself a girlfriend again if I wanted. This last aspect does, however, help me come up with things about being chronically single that are good. As with surprisingly many problems in life, I find this one is best dealt with via the cunning use of cake. To that end, I have devised a cake design that I will soon order from Amycakes, my preferred local bakery.
The size and flavor will be that of an 8" lemon cream, the idea being that the cake and frosting are light and a bit better, contrasted with the usual density and sweetness of chocolate or red velvet. There will be light green coloration all around the side, like neon green, and it will be topped with leaf green borders and accents. Basically, the idea is to have it be the inverse of the usual pink and red. As for the writing on the top, it should be in the leaf green coloration. It should read, "I'm single, so here's a cake for no reason. Most predominantly, the final decoration will be whatever approximation is feasible of those chalky hearts with words like, "Hug me," written on them. I don't know how many of the said chalky heart decorations Amycakes will be able to fit, so here's twenty possible options of what to put on the chalky heart decorations. Each will be either a parody of sayings that appear on actual chalky hearts, something poignant about being chronically single, or something that is supposed to be a funny observation on being chronically single. Amycakes will be instructed to fit whatever they think is funniest among the list of 20, on account of that aspect being the most important, for my purposes, out of all the suggested text for the chalky heart decorations listed below.
1. I (heart) my hand.
2. D&D4ME.
3. So lonely.
4. No cats.
5. Extra chair.
6. No hugs.
7. Snippity Snippity.
8. One & Done.
9. My remote.
10. Jewelry? No.
11. Yay porn!
12. Dining table? No.
13. Candles? No.
14. I (heart) Farts.
15. I'm Mine.
16. Sane: FU.
17. Only Me.
18. Hermit 4Life.
19. Not My Baby.
20. Calm Down.
Of all the goals I have with this anti-Valentine's Day cake concept, paramount is that it be an effort to be funny and empathetic to those traditionally left out of the holiday. By calling it an, "anti-Valentine's Day cake," I am aware that I may appear to oppose the holiday and somehow wish to somehow disrespect the love of the many millions of people the holiday is meant to honor. That being how it may well be perceived, I wish to clarify that that is most certainly not the case here. Instead, view the use of the concept of, "anti," here as more along the lines of, "complementary," in the sense of helping to complete something. Plenty of us out there do not have romantic love. Some of us can't find it, others can't manage it when we do find it, still others know they shouldn't have it, however much they may want it, and a few don't even seek it due to not having the desire for it. Most of us in these categories recognize that there are things to celebrate and things to lament about being chronically single. On the celebratory side, there is increased disposable income, increased personal freedom, and decreased personal responsibility and on the lamentation side, there is increased loneliness, decreased support system, and the lack of progeny to carry on whatever legacy one might imagine oneself to possess. All I mean by this cake is roughly what Festivus means in the context of Christmas.
-Frank
The size and flavor will be that of an 8" lemon cream, the idea being that the cake and frosting are light and a bit better, contrasted with the usual density and sweetness of chocolate or red velvet. There will be light green coloration all around the side, like neon green, and it will be topped with leaf green borders and accents. Basically, the idea is to have it be the inverse of the usual pink and red. As for the writing on the top, it should be in the leaf green coloration. It should read, "I'm single, so here's a cake for no reason. Most predominantly, the final decoration will be whatever approximation is feasible of those chalky hearts with words like, "Hug me," written on them. I don't know how many of the said chalky heart decorations Amycakes will be able to fit, so here's twenty possible options of what to put on the chalky heart decorations. Each will be either a parody of sayings that appear on actual chalky hearts, something poignant about being chronically single, or something that is supposed to be a funny observation on being chronically single. Amycakes will be instructed to fit whatever they think is funniest among the list of 20, on account of that aspect being the most important, for my purposes, out of all the suggested text for the chalky heart decorations listed below.
1. I (heart) my hand.
2. D&D4ME.
3. So lonely.
4. No cats.
5. Extra chair.
6. No hugs.
7. Snippity Snippity.
8. One & Done.
9. My remote.
10. Jewelry? No.
11. Yay porn!
12. Dining table? No.
13. Candles? No.
14. I (heart) Farts.
15. I'm Mine.
16. Sane: FU.
17. Only Me.
18. Hermit 4Life.
19. Not My Baby.
20. Calm Down.
Of all the goals I have with this anti-Valentine's Day cake concept, paramount is that it be an effort to be funny and empathetic to those traditionally left out of the holiday. By calling it an, "anti-Valentine's Day cake," I am aware that I may appear to oppose the holiday and somehow wish to somehow disrespect the love of the many millions of people the holiday is meant to honor. That being how it may well be perceived, I wish to clarify that that is most certainly not the case here. Instead, view the use of the concept of, "anti," here as more along the lines of, "complementary," in the sense of helping to complete something. Plenty of us out there do not have romantic love. Some of us can't find it, others can't manage it when we do find it, still others know they shouldn't have it, however much they may want it, and a few don't even seek it due to not having the desire for it. Most of us in these categories recognize that there are things to celebrate and things to lament about being chronically single. On the celebratory side, there is increased disposable income, increased personal freedom, and decreased personal responsibility and on the lamentation side, there is increased loneliness, decreased support system, and the lack of progeny to carry on whatever legacy one might imagine oneself to possess. All I mean by this cake is roughly what Festivus means in the context of Christmas.
-Frank
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Privilege
Privilege is one of the most misunderstood new concepts there is. I've put forth effort to try and understand the concept and I think I've got a somewhat decent understanding of it. If not, I apologize and will keep trying. Occasionally, I will encounter individuals more conservative than myself who have an objection to the concept of privilege and find myself in the position of trying to explain the concept to them as best I can. Being a conservative myself on about 66.6% of the issues, I am in a unique position when such circumstances arise. A standard liberal is at quite the disadvantage when attempting to convince a conservative, or anyone else skeptical of the concept, that privilege is a thing, let alone an important thing that they ought to bear in mind throughout their lives. There are a few reasons for this. First of all, most people are less likely to seriously consider a point made by an ideological rival. Second of all, since liberals generally are interested in limited individual rights in the interest of making society, business, and life in general more fair, an explanation of privilege coming from them is considerably more likely to be perceived as something of a threat, regardless of whether that is intended message. Without those complications, I have a better shot.
There are two definitions in play and each side in an argument between ideological rivals is using the other one. Obviously, this aspect of mostly unintentional ideological obscurantism is an immensely complicating factor in any sincere attempt to have a productive dialogue on the matter of privilege. Having heard extensive polemic from both ideological sides, I have done my best to come up with a proper of denotations that each side appears to be employing. The ultimate goal of the following definitions is to point out the discrepancy between them to both ideological sides and to try to jumpstart a productive dialogue with the intended terminus of arriving upon a mutually agreed upon connotation.
Definition One: An inherent advantage possessed by an individual or group based upon immutable characteristics of said individual or group.
Definition Two: An inherent advantage possessed by an individual or group that renders any complaints they may have about their lives null and void, means they must always defer to those that do not possess this advantage, and means they do not deserve or have any right to keep any accomplishment or fruits thereof if someone without said privilege needs it.
A lot of paranoia and reactionary thinking goes into definition two. Here's how I explain it to people. First, I list all my major problems. That includes autism, bum ankle, obesity, shortness, baldness, diabetes, crippling outdoor allergies, loneliness, unemployment, a GI tract that's ten miles of bad road, atheism (due to the stigma), and depression. Second, I point out that I am a white rich male. Third, I point out that all the problems I mentioned could easily be held by a poor female of a nonwhite ethnicity/race/whatever you want me to call it. They would be worse off than I am. That's all privilege means, as I understand it, which is that, all things being equal, certain groups and individuals are better off. A white rich man could have chronic pain, PTSD from horrible war experiences, and a lousy marriage to an abusive sociopath. Such a man would be objectively worse off than a black female middle class nurse civilian in good health who is happily married, but objectively better off than someone with his exact problems except nonwhite, poor, and female. Privilege isn't an argument for policy or oppressing those who have it, but a consciousness-raising paradigm meant to educate and promote empathy for those less fortunate on many levels.
-Frank
There are two definitions in play and each side in an argument between ideological rivals is using the other one. Obviously, this aspect of mostly unintentional ideological obscurantism is an immensely complicating factor in any sincere attempt to have a productive dialogue on the matter of privilege. Having heard extensive polemic from both ideological sides, I have done my best to come up with a proper of denotations that each side appears to be employing. The ultimate goal of the following definitions is to point out the discrepancy between them to both ideological sides and to try to jumpstart a productive dialogue with the intended terminus of arriving upon a mutually agreed upon connotation.
Definition One: An inherent advantage possessed by an individual or group based upon immutable characteristics of said individual or group.
Definition Two: An inherent advantage possessed by an individual or group that renders any complaints they may have about their lives null and void, means they must always defer to those that do not possess this advantage, and means they do not deserve or have any right to keep any accomplishment or fruits thereof if someone without said privilege needs it.
A lot of paranoia and reactionary thinking goes into definition two. Here's how I explain it to people. First, I list all my major problems. That includes autism, bum ankle, obesity, shortness, baldness, diabetes, crippling outdoor allergies, loneliness, unemployment, a GI tract that's ten miles of bad road, atheism (due to the stigma), and depression. Second, I point out that I am a white rich male. Third, I point out that all the problems I mentioned could easily be held by a poor female of a nonwhite ethnicity/race/whatever you want me to call it. They would be worse off than I am. That's all privilege means, as I understand it, which is that, all things being equal, certain groups and individuals are better off. A white rich man could have chronic pain, PTSD from horrible war experiences, and a lousy marriage to an abusive sociopath. Such a man would be objectively worse off than a black female middle class nurse civilian in good health who is happily married, but objectively better off than someone with his exact problems except nonwhite, poor, and female. Privilege isn't an argument for policy or oppressing those who have it, but a consciousness-raising paradigm meant to educate and promote empathy for those less fortunate on many levels.
-Frank
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)