There is a breed of actor and actress that performs sex scenes and nude
scenes more often than not. Usually you'll find their work late at
night on HBO, Showtime, or, especially, Cinemax, or mixed in with drama
and comedy sections at the video store. There are lots of things you
could call them and that they are called. Softcore performers, erotic
thriller stars, skinemax girls, and so on, but I'm going to call them
B-queens in this note, because it more accuratley reflects the spirit of
that they do. The reality is that they're actresses, just like any
other actresses. They work with bad catering, low budgets, cynical
swarthy crew, and have to memorize scripts and deal with other actors.
Mainly, the difference is that they have to do all of this while naked
except for a bandage over their junk called a patch, or a sock in a
man's case, and they have to convincingly portray considerably better
sex than most of us can ever hope to have while being cold, tired, and
not even having the luxury of experiencing real stimulation the way porn
stars do. Believe me, when you're a lonely guy who didn't even have
any friends growing up and didn't lose your virginity until 22, you get
to know this genre and the people that work in it, and I have a strong
appreciation for these people. The cool thing is that they're
celebrities, but within a very specific audience, so you can actually
become their friends on facebook. Not some nonsense fan page built by
someone else, like, for instance, the Christopher Titus page I'm a
member of on here, but the actual facebook page they have their real
friends on too. Several of them had added me in recent days at my
request, and they are wonderful and fascinating down to Earth people.
I'll be defining some of the eras and performers later on, with a
section at the end about male performers, which are understandably fewer
given the genre and my gender and orientation. Let us begin.
The 80's:
The genre really did begin in the 80s with the advent of home video.
There had been sexy movies before that, but home video really provided
the proper medium for the first time.
Favorite performers of the 80s.
Shannon Tweed: Every genre has its all time great. Vincent Price
for horror, Tracy for drama, Jack Lemmon for comedy, and Shannon Tweed
for erotic thrillers. She has said in her autobiography that she finds
the whole process of making these movies easy and she certainly does
make it look that way. If she's a cop in the movie, you believe she
could take down a punk, and if she's psychologist, you believe she could
fix your brain. Combine the genuine acting talent with the smoking hot
body and it's pretty obviosu Gene Simmons, who could give Ron Jeremy a
run for his money in total women had, picked this one to spend the rest
of his life with. Not marry. I'm aware Gene is sensitive to that word.
Shannon Whirry: Probably the most amazing breasts in the history of
anatomy this woman has. Quite a lot of integrity too, as she clearly
was a serious actress with roles in mainstream fare as often as in
B-movies. Her films usually had a dramatic thrust to them that made
them interesting with or without nudity. Of course, they were always
more interesting to me WITH the nudity, but whatever.
Tanya Roberts: She deserves to be on this list for a variety of
good reasons, but most notably because she was Shannon Tweed's
predecessor in the Night Eyes series. It's like Friday the 13th, where
people forget Jason wasn't the killer in the first one. She also
starred in Inner Sanctum and hosted the series Hotline, so we're clearly
talking an unapologetic B-Queen. Yet, she's a Bond girl, a main cast
member of That 70s Show, and starred in the sword and sorcery classic
The Beastmaster. An impressive resume for any performer.
That's it for the 80s, as I'm a little young to remember much more.
The 90s:
Cinemax and the other pay cable stations were playing more and more
B- movies and it meant that there were more and more B-Queens getting
made. I will limit myself to five here, but I could go on and on, trust
me.
Shauna O'Brien: In a world of blondes, she presented dark
intelligence. If you had to cheat off a B-Queen in math class, this is
the one you'd want to do it off of. She first came to my attention in a
film called Elke's Erotic nights, where she played a rather magical
woman who fixes a dysfunctional family by sleeping with nearly every
member of it. Later, she got magnificently large implants, but that
didn't mean she lost her edge of intelligence. In this genre, you don't
always buy it when somebody's supposed to be a high-powered executive
or an accountant, but you took it at face value with Shauna.
Kira Reed: A fascinating woman whose piercing blue eyes remind me of
a more down-to-Earth version of actresses like Meg Foster or Jennifer
Morrisson. On two episodes of the same series, she played a masterfully
confident seductress who effortlessly entangles Keri Windsor and her
fiancee in sexual escapades and a a frazzled drifter who has to
impersonate a sex therapist to keep her lodging, finally ending up
having sex with both members of the couple she's trying to help,
seperately or together. Whereas Shauna was great at smart, Kira truly
has range. Add that to the fact that her marriedcouple.com website
allowed you to see hardcore sex with her then-husband, and you have a
truly valuable member of the B-Queen community.
Regina Russell: She was one of the mermaids in Hook who brought
Robin Williams back to life. How's that for innocent? Yet, of course,
innocence was the farthest thing from her work as a B-Queen.
Small-chested relative to much of her competion, if not average real
women, she still managed to have success by bringing enthusiastic
peformance to her sex scenes and dialogue scenes in equal measure and by
wearin red hair better than anyone at any level or any genre of film or
television. For recording a song called I Should Be Fucking Brad
Garret later on alone, she deserves mention.
Kim Dawson: Earlier, I said Shannon Whirry has the best breasts
I've ever seen, but I'm not sure they're natural. With that qualifer in
the mix though, Kim's simply unbeatable. A southern belle of
unparalled charm, she was always great as the grand dame of whatever
show or film she was on. You couldn't picture this woman as a servor or
a housekeeper somewhere. Somehow, you knew she just always had to be
on a throne somewhere with men bringing her grapes. She didn't have a
ton of range, but neither did John Wayne, and you always wanted to see
him on his high horse anyway. I presume she went on to take over the
damned world by charm alone.
Monique Parent: Most women retire from this genre, which is the
case to my knowledge with all other women in the 90s section. Not so
with Monique. If there can be said to be a venerable lion of the
B-Movie genre, it's pretty hard to dispute that it's her. Not to say
that she's old, because the early 40s are not old and she doesn't look a
day over 25 even if so, but she's got the experience and the brand
loyalty to sell a B-Queen film like no one else can. Shannon Tweed may
be the all time queen of this genre, but it is an emertius position.
Monique sits on her throne and still rides into battle, which is what,
more than anything else, makes her a hell of a badass chick.
00's:
This was an era of real innovation, where B-Movies and series
started giving their actors better dialogue and plots. They realized
that some good dramatic and comedic scenes would be better material to
put the sex scenes themselves in. Sex scenes are, of course, the star,
but a good star needs good supporting players. Here are some B-Queens
who uphold that promise.
Christine Nguyen: I've been watching the genre for some time and
I've never seen a more natural comedic actress in it than Christine.
That she shares the surname of my brother-in-law didn't hurt in catching
my attention either. Every line she says that's ridiculous in some
way, which B-Movie dialogue often is, intentionally and otherwise, is
delivered with a twinkle in her eye and a smirk that makes her instantly
feel like your best friend. Of course, the considerable and distinctly
Asian beauty doesn't hurt either. It's like every massuesse that gives
a happy ending in your fantasies came to life and starting starring in
movies on Cinemax.
Beverly Lynne: This blonde and blue-eyed beauty is pretty
comedically gifted too, but that's not her main capability. She is
actually one of the only performers I've ever seen get innocent
completely right. Strangely, she's played some mean-spirited characters
before and I don't quite buy it. There's something kind in her eyes,
or at least something convincingly so, to the extent that you feel like
you'd have less of a nymphomaniac on your hands if you got to be with
her than a real sweetheart you could feel good about introducing to your
mother. More than anyone else on this list, she appeals to a man's
better nature.
Amy Lindsay: She's popped up in just about every erotic series and
B-Movie genre you'd care to name, but the real reason she's on her is
her hand in revolutionizing the whole B-Movie world with her series
Black Tie Nights. Black Tie Nights marked a first in that it was the
first time I'd watched one of these shows on Cinemax that I didn't feel
comfortable fast-forwarding to the sex scenes. The dialogue mattered,
the characters were interesting and dynamic, and it even got a spinoff
starring some of its more interesting supporting players. Beyond that,
Amy's one of the only ones able to hold a candle to Monique Parent for
sheer versatility, though it appears she's not terribly interesting in
appearing in more B-Movie fare. Oh well, you just appreciate them while
they keep doing it.
Noelle DuBouis: She's probably the least experienced performer on
here, with only two credits to her hame on IMDB, yet she's on this list
because she and her show Forbidden Science are the way of the future for
the genre. Forbidden Science is the most innovative and interesting
science fiction show on television today. It joins Co-Ed Confidential
in comedy and Zone's Sex Chronicles in drama for successful
cross-breeding with other genres and doing both justice. Her character
Penny is some sort of avatar of every geek out there's hopes and dreams.
Okay, before I go, gotta do the guys justice.
Dan Anderson: The man is practically ubiqituous in the genre and was
married to Kira Reed at one point, at which time he and she produced
hardcore pornography of their sexual exploits together and with others.
I envy him, in a role model for life kind of way. Heck, I should hope
to do as well as Kira Reed, let alone advertise it to the world beyond a
shadow of a doubt.
Brad Bartram: I gave the humor mistress props to Christine Nguyen
and on the male side I give it to Brad Bartram. Unless the role or the
scene calls for him to be especially dramatic, he's always got a twinkle
in his eye and an amused look on his face. To look at him, you see a
tall, handsome man, who seems likely to have always been that way. Yet,
crucially, you feel like he'd be fun to get a beer with and you do not
hate him for being able to clearly have any woman he wants. That's a
rare quality.
Glen Meadows: He is married to Beverly Lynne and has the same
capacity for innocence in his characterizations, but in a different way.
Perhaps no one else in the genre is as good a straight man as he is.
Indeed, he started out on Black Tie Nights often acting as the straight
man for Tiffany Bolton's outrageous character. Beyond this, he is also
the first actor in the history of the genre who, to my knowledge,
convincingly played a geek/nerd type character in Ryan Lundy. Like Brad
Bartram, you don't envy him. You're just happy two people as nice as
Beverly Lynne and he found one another.
Jay Richardson: This guy appears in the genre all the time, but is
yet to have a sex scene. All the chops of a veteran character actor let
him get away with this, I suppose. I don't think much else has to be
said about him.
Okay, that's about it for guys.
Anyway, I'll keep watching.
-Frank
No comments:
Post a Comment