Things I Wish I'd Said To My Exes

Strap In.

This one is going to be mean.

I will at least try to keep the misogyny to a dull roar.

1. You know how you're afraid your sister is hotter than you? She is. Know who else is? Your mother.

2. If you want me to cheer you up every single day over every little thing, how about I make you cry? Reverse psychology don't you know?

3. If you make me overdraw on my bank account again, I'm sneaking crumbled bacon into your food you vegetarian harpy.

4. You're crazy, and not in the good way. In the, "We the members of the jury find the defendent," sort of way.

5. I think your parents love me and you're lying to me about them complaining about me behind my back. They always act like they like me, and I'm not backing off if they're going to be dicks, so safe difference either way right?

6. I don't believe your stories. Any of them. At this point, I don't believe the name you've given me is a real one. Christ, you're worse than the Janitor on Scrubs.

7. Yes, you're fat. You are, in fact, fatter than my own fat ass. In that dress, in those shoes, after you eat salt, in a plane, in a train, with green eggs and motherfucking ham, you're a plus-sized Orca of a fat woman.

8. I'm just going to sit here and think of legal ways to make you cry.

9. Don't threaten to kill me you psychotic bitch. We both know you'd never set me completely free that way.

10. You know what, after a year of me reading books, taking sex and psychology classes, buying expensive equipment, and trying just about everything under the Sun to try and get you off, if you still can't maybe that's your fucking problem.

11. You have enough clothes and for fuck's sake you're in college and could get by on pajamas alone with your lifestyle. Quit begging for money.

12. Yes. You hate my mother. I get it. Can we move on please? Not that she doesn't hate you too, as does nearly everyone I knew before you, but still.

13. If you keep trying to manipulate me, I'm going to Just For Him and smoking something that tastes better than your vagina.

14. I made promises I couldn't keep about self-improvement. You cheated on me twice and had lesbian affairs that remain unnamed. The moral high ground is not yours.

15. You have the spine and moral integrity of a Jew in 1941 Poland showing the Nazis where all the other Jews are hiding.

16. Good God almighty, never spawn. Your children will grow up in a house of madness.

17. It's surprising, I know, but telling endless stories about how much better every other guy you've ever been with was in bed than me is fucked up psychologically abusive behavior.

18. Honesty is, believe it or not, applicable in situations where it does not make you feel better.

19. I've been having dreams where you die in horrible ways. I'm hoping dreams are a window into alternate realties and these are really my own personal you snuff films.

20. You know how you like cutting yourself during sex and playing with the blood? I hope whoever you're with in the future thinks he's a vampire and that, when you inevitably manage to find an artery, he chokes to death trying to drink it and it gets infected and you die from the infection, which will also be incredibly painful. And the hospital's out of painkiller. And bullets to bite on.

21. People should try to not to mispronounce words and that's a noble ideal to have. Punching people because they mispronounce words is not acceptable behavior though. You abusive cunt.

22. Knocking people around from the moment they are a passenger in your car by driving so erratically that they don't even have the chance to get the seat belt on is also abusive behavior, not to mention passive-aggressive bullshit.

23. Punching people for saying songs you don't like on iTunes? Also not okay.

24. Your hair is not a unique snowflake. It is like steel wool and smells funny.

25. Get the hell out of my home and enjoy the freefall in your standard of living that will ensue you ungrateful bitch.

-Frank