We Seem To Have A Problem

An idea has been gaining traction and crystallizing in my mind. Knowing the loneliness of the geek from the inside, I've long been fascinated with how we geeks (male geeks mind you, as I do not presume to know the experience of our female equivalents) approach romance, love, sex, and that sort of thing. There is, sad to say, a great deal of misogyny in how we approach it. Lacking emotional maturity, social skill, traditionally feminine interests, or much else that is useful for attracting women, we seem to have developed a variety of deeply unhealthy coping mechanisms, most of which either put women on a pedestal, so that we may love them from afar in the manner of courtly love, or paint them as vile and base creatures, so that we need not feel so bad at being rejected. In my younger days, certainly before I was given a proper introduction to feminism, I was guilty of some of this behavior. So I'm not saying it's malicious, at least not if it's not coming out of a place of genuine hate. What I am saying is that it is harmful, counterproductive to any real romantic goals, and simply no fun for anyone involved.

So the first thing we need to establish here, and this is a crucial data point for everything else we discuss here, it is that women are people. I know that sounds just ever so douchey, but it's important. What it means is that they are complicated individuals with their own agendas, interests, personalities, ideas of what they want out of life, and so on. The Madonna-Whore dichotomy is deeply deeply retarded. It would be like considering men either he-men or wimps. That is how insulting it is to judge a woman solely upon her sexual conduct. You might as well have a Vanilla-Chocolate dichotomy and judge her solely based upon her ice cream conduct. Stereotypes aren't much less insulting. For instance, the sentence, "All women ______" can be legitimately filled in with, "Are in possession of two X chromosomes," "Feature a vagina," and, "Produce a higher ratio of estrogen than testosterone." It cannot be filled in with, "Are crazy," "Are whores," "Are the same," "Gossip," "Can't throw," "Go for bad guys," "Turn into their mother," "Go crazy during menstruation," "Enjoy long hot baths," or,"Are prudish about sex." If you still don't get it, here's the same thing with stereotypes of men, "Are insensitive," "Think with their dicks," "Are the same," "Hate talking," "Love sports," "Go for sluts," "Become their father," "Always want to have sex," "Jerk off anywhere anytime," "Are boorish about sex." I realize some of these might be funny, but I'm a man, and, sincerely, they're all false. Men are more complicated than a list of stereotypes. That's obvious. If it's not obvious that the same is true of women, then something is wrong.

Remember that scene in Glengarry Glenn Ross where Alec Baldwin says that if you're a nice guy he doesn't give a shit about that if you can't close? Genuinely good men understand that that core lesson is true in romantic situations too. Being a nice guy is the minimum standard to even being eligible for the romantic intention you seek. If you're claiming that as your central feature, you may as well go to sell your car and argue that the functional windshield wipers and horn are features. What about you might attract another person? What are your actual features? You need to come up with intellectually honest answers to that question and, if you can't, you've got some work to do on yourself. Also, what are her features? Here's a hint. Answers like, "She's a perfect angel," "She's the girl I finally tricked into liking me," or, "She seems like she could really put up with me," are all bad and you're making negative progress in terms of your overall value as a person every time you think, let alone say, that kind of stuff. What features does the woman I'm dating come with? She has a positive attitude about nearly everything, she's the most fun person to do anything with, she's allergic to cats, she loves little dogs, she laughs at the jokes no one else gets, and she likes it when I cook for her. Those are real features. Your features should be like that. Real honest parts of your personality, traits you've picked up during the unique experience of your own life, these are the kinds of features that matter and that are yours alone. There's millions of nice guys, but only one of you. Remember that.

If you're worshiping a woman and putting her on a pedestal, you're utterly blind to all the unique experiences and traits that make her different from all the other girls every other geek has ever put on a pedestal. You love an idealized vision of a person, but the real person is there too, complete with social security number, favorite movie, and preferred pizza topping. You have no chance with the ideal woman on the pedestal, but maybe if you'd talk to the human being you're projecting her onto, you might. If you're badmouthing a woman because she fell from the pedestal you put her on or because she rejected your romantic interest, you are closer to thinking like a rapist than any genuinely good man ought to ever be and it is very likely you need to sit down, shut up, and leave her alone until you learn some manners and develop some emotional maturity. Remember, any feelings or problems you have are not her concern and she is under no obligation to respond to or address them in any way. So yes geeks, go talk to women. They're complicated and interesting and can be a blast to talk to, but their lives are their own. If you keep that last bit in mind and adhere to it, we shouldn't have any problems.

-Frank