Top Ten Questions The Answers To Which Nobody Actually Wants

Complete with actual answers I have given people before.

1. What the hell is wrong with you?

There's some confusion over it psychologically. A number of things have been proposed ranging from A.D.D., O.C.D, non-verbal learning disorder, and Asperger's. Mostly I have little empathy, poor social skills, and my brain only really functions when somebody's talking, whether that be you or me, so somebody's got to fill in the silence gaps. You're not pulling your gap weight a lot of the time, I notice.

2. What could you have possibly been thinking?

That you would react rationally to the situation. Instead you're being all emotional at me. I expect an apology for your irrational behavior any moment now, unless you're going to be irrational at me some more, in which case God knows what you might pull.

3. You just don't get it do you?

I have not reached the same conclusion you have given the same evidence, so, no, I do not, "get it" in the same way as you. That doesn't mean you're right, it just means I'm better at evaluating evidence, including my ability to evaluate my own ability to evaluate evidence.

4. You're not going to get that are you?

I was planning on it, but was kinda on the fence between that and another thing. Now that you're trying to be all control freak on me though, I'm definitely going to get that because I had spite as an added motive. That's precisely the kind of thing that can tip the balance.

5. Oh what am I going to do now?

Based on my past experience with you, you're going to drink a lot in the short term and also experience decline in your social life, grades, and/or job, until time allows your mind to be distant enough from this setback that you hoist yourself out of it.

6. What's your problem?

Currently, that I have a real mother of sunburn on my back and I have to sleep on my front. My habit of tossing and turning means that I'm constantly alternating between pain and suffocation in the night. Normally you don't care about that sort of thing, so I am wondering why you asked, but I figure your reasons are your business.

7. Why did you do that?

Because I wanted to and it seemed like a good idea at the time. In fact, in retrospect it remains something I perceive to be a good idea. You seem kinda ticked at me over it, but to be honest with you that's not really something that would've caused me to do anything differently.

8. How'd this place get so messy?

Well, you know, if you live in a place and eat in it, cook in it, clean up in it, get dressed in it, and spend your leisure hours in it and you're incredibly lazy, it just all comes together. No, really, it's not that hard. To be honest, I was under the impression the process was generally understood and I find your ignorance perplexing.

9. You're not going to wear that are you?

Yes, in fact, I should think that was obvious from the fact that I already have put it on and am about to head out the door. I don't get fully dressed just to get the mail you know. That's what a bathrobe and slippers are for. You sure ask some strange questions.

10. Why are you eating one thing at a time?

Because I like the taste of whatever food I'm eating. I like macaroni and cheese. Not macaroni and cheese and baked beans mixed together for no good goddamned reason. When you're kids, why do you think there's trays with little separate compartments? In fine dining, why are things brought in courses? I should ask you why you are needlessly mixing all your food together in a way the chef never intended. It's insulting.

-Frank