Child Free

In churches, there are things called crying rooms where babies can be taken if they're crying. This is one of a very short list of good ideas religion has ever come up with. Think about how offended people would be if crying rooms were introduced to other parts of life. Movie theaters, fine dining establishments, airplanes, live public speaking events, all could benefit from the addition of crying rooms. Somewhere nearby where the mother or father of the offending infant can simply run off to with their child and allow the rest of us to benefit from soundproofing technology. But noooooooooooooo. We're all supposed to act like that shrill wail doesn't bother us in the slightest, or at least that we're capable of thinking any thought that isn't, "SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP" while that sound is being made. It's dishonest and it's caving into mothers who wish to be mothers, while also having their social cake and eating it too.

A few caveats here.

1. If I'm in Shoney's, or McDonald's, or Chuck E. Cheese and this is happening...fine. Family places are family places. Kids can yell and scream and run and put ketchup on the walls and pee directly on the seat in the bathroom and it's fine because they're kids and I'm in a place that is really more meant for them than me.

2. As for stuff that's just kid behavior of the pretty standard variety, that's fine. If they're talking too much, being too loud, drawing attention to themselves, being creepy, or being somehow annoying...here's the thing. Adults do that. Lots of adults. I do that, if we're talking about the talking too much and too loud thing. So I'm hardly the one judging. Kids have equal rights to be irritating in public as do adults. I will happily concede the point.

3. If the kid's throwing a tantrum and the parent is at least acknowledging it and trying to do something about it, I am willing to cut them some slack...up to a point. If you're trying to get them to behave and what you're trying isn't working after like ten minutes, either try something else or go away.

If there is a kid you control so poorly that he or she actually comes over to me and starts actively trying to bother me, we have problems. You are not respecting my individual liberty to be child-free and I will proceed to not respect your individual liberty to have your child go on believing that there is A). A Santa, B). A God, C). A chance in hell they were planned. I have zero obligation to tolerate your children or to help you raise them unless you're a friend or relative, and even then I'd like the responsibilities to be rather minor.

Getting to the point made in the title, I do believe that you should be able to be completely free from other people's children. Those of us who have made the decision to never have them have not just decided to not procreate. We have decided to not live in a world where everything is sticky, smelly, irrational, chaotic, extra expensive, staining, loud, needy, and owning nice things is absolutely futile. You have chosen to go a different route. Good for you. Leave us out of it. Do not take your children to see 10:00 showings of R-Rated movies just because it's for violence instead of boobies. Do not take your children to eat anywhere they offer a wine list unless you're prepared to leave the moment a disturbance starts. Do not take your children to live plays (I have actor friends who claim they've seen it), do not take your children to designated smoke break areas/smoke shops/cigar bars and then complain people are smoking (seriously, fuck you, go elsewhere), and, generally, do not take your children places that children neither want to go or should go. We go to those places to escape children and they should be sacred. There should, in fact, be child-free flights. I'd pay HUNDREDS more for my ticket to be separated from a single colicky baby.

Look, I've got a two nieces and I love them. I get it. Indeed, I was once a child and I do not dislike children. There is just a time and a place for them and that time and place is not always and everywhere. You've made a decision to procreate and I realize if everyone was like me the human race would die off. Keep in mind though that I don't like people and the idea of less of them doesn't exactly make me sad.

-Frank