Facebook Statuses You'll Never See

1. NAME is married to a shiftless, impotent, and useless man and wishes she'd listened to her mother.

2. NAME is so on top of homework right now. Writing papers...SQUEE!!!

3. NAME is not.

4. NAME has the grandkids over and the little shits keep stealing my candy.

5. NAME recalls the yellow cotton dress foaming like a wave on the ground around your knees.

6. NAME is sitting on the cat and will keep doing so until it learns to not interrupt my computer time.

7. NAME loves applications! Send me more! I want to own useless electronic plants and support causes I have no interest in! Tis truly my deepest desire.

8. NAME was lonely and single but then a facebook ad offering to solve that actually worked!

9. NAME doesn't feel like cooking tonight, so she is thawing out some frozen hot dogs in the sink.

10. NAME just managed to cut himself pretty deeply, but is facebooking and dialing 911 at the same time. Yay multitasking!

11. NAME is really quite happy about the way the Razorbacks played tonight.

12. NAME is in love. That's right, in love, with you Bethany Johnson. Bet you thought I'd be vague about it didn't you? No such luck here sister friend.

13. NAME has written a happy poem about rainbows and bunnies that is not at all about suicide, lesbians, or suicidal lesbians.

14. NAME feels sorry for starving European white children.

15. NAME is the picture of mental health. No stress getting to me, nosiree bob.

16. NAME thinks the government can fix the economy, and soon.

17. NAME got hit on today. Far from being creepy, it was flattering, and I didn't even think about wearing his genitalia as a hat over it.

18. NAME's children let her take a nap today. They're so empathic and nurturing.

19. NAME is so happy to be out in the real world now away from my friends and regular interaction with smart people.

20. NAME's wife is kinda funny lookin'. You can't quite put your finger on it, but something's off. This seems obvious.

21. NAME is completely satisfied with how emotionally available you are. Don't go changing for me you sexy, sexy man.

22. NAME is amazed by how stress-free work has been lately. Sometimes when I'm at home, I lie awake in bed and think about being at work while I touch myself.

23. NAME always has so much time on her hands. Clearly she needs a hobby. She's considering taking up underwater basket weaving.

24. NAME thinks nature is boring, sticky, painful, and makes it hard to breathe.

25. NAME thinks floating sounds dangerous, cold, painful, and basically aggressively insane.

-Frank