While watching comic Ralphie May discuss a variety of controversial subjects in his act tonight at the Gilloz, the subject of illegal immigration, which he discussed extensively, inspired me to write a note on the subject. Now, I've argued about political issues a lot in my 33 years of life. I first became interested in politics in Mrs. Newman's class in 1991 when she taught us about the American Revolution and I read Rush Limbaugh's The Way Things Ought To Be. This interest only intensifies in the summer of 1992 when I got to tour the U.S. Capitol building, including the stuff you usually don't get to see, with then sitting Congressman John Paul Hammerschmidt. From there, I followed the debates on the news and whatever political writing I could get my hands on. High school didn't provide much in the way of...um...worthy opponents for debating, so that didn't really begin until college. Ever since 1999, I have been arguing with other college-educated people about every political issue you'd care to name, either in school, with friends from school, or on facebook or other online forums. That means I've been interested in and an autodidact of politics for 20 years and actively engaged in political debate for 12. In that time, I have seen other people and have often myself been very full of shit. Your average septic tank for your average rural fishing lodge is less full of shit than I have been or I have seen others be on a wide variety of issues. I have to tell you though, I have debated from one end of the political universe to the other and I've never seen anything people on every side of an issue are more full of shit about than illegal immigration. Not only does the emperor have no clothes, but neither do the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker, or all the king's horses or all the king's men. There is enough lying going on here to make a Little Rock politician blush.
Let's start with the three major arguments that are made by various sides of this debate.
The right's argument: Illegal immigration is taking jobs away from Americans and leading to chaos and real economic damage. We've got to solve this problem and the important thing to do is to control both the southern and northern border.
The left's argument: Illegal immigration is about Latin American people trying to make better lives for themselves and their families in the spirit of the American Dream. They are, after all, providing a useful service in that they are doing the jobs Americans just won't do anymore.
The Latin American argument: Immigrants in this country are treated like shit and decent treatment ought to come about in the form of some sort of immigration reform.
My response is as follows.
The right's argument: Bullshit.
The left's argument: Bullshit.
The Latin American argument: Bullshit.
Allow me to expand upon this. The right's argument is bullshit because the jobs that are being taken are being taken only because illegal work is available. Americans are both unwilling and, generally, unable to work for the kinds of wages and under the kinds of conditions illegal workers do. That's why employers take the risk of having illegal workers. They are cheap, disposable, and defenseless. No unions, no regs, no nothing. Without illegal immigrant employment, that work would simply be outsourced to other nations, mechanized, or done for wages so high that prices would go up for everyone. The left's argument is bullshit because illegal immigrants aren't living the American Dream. It will be extremely difficult for them to ever become citizens given their illegal status, actually, and most of them just want the employment in a mercenary way that has nothing to do with assimilation into United States culture for either themselves or their children. Not that they have to be all gung-ho about citizenship and melting pots, but it's worth pointing out that they are not, in fact, comparable to late 19th century Italians and Irish in this respect. Legal Latin American citizens, green card holders, and visa holders maybe, sure, but not illegals. The Latin American argument is bullshit because a clear path to citizenship en masse, which is what immigration reform normally means, doesn't address the underlying problems. Citizenship renders them no longer cheap, disposable, or defenseless, which are exactly the reasons they're even able to function as employed illegal immigrants in the first place. Now, this argument has human rights at heart and its heart is in in the right place, but the brain's gotta wake up here.
People like to say the illegal immigration problem is complicated. No. The situation in Egypt is complicated. Interacting with a woman you're attracted to is complicated. U.S. taxes are complicated. This is kiss simple. Do one of three things:
1. Abolish the minimum wage and all regulations and unions meant to protect workers, or make it totally legal for them to waive their rights to such protections in exchange for employment, and you'll have solved the illegal immigration problem because they'll no longer have an advantage. Workers who demand safe conditions, decent pay, and general human rights will be at a marked disadvantage, but you'll have solved the illegal immigration problem.
2. Crack down on all employers who hire undocumented workers of any kind. Do this by requesting each state to send in the National Guard to inspect every single employer in the state for however long it takes to do that. A two week grace period is allowed before this commences for each employer to seek out every single undocumented worker and dismiss them. If this is done in time, all is forgiven. Even a single undocumented worker at any employer means that their business is confiscated by the federal government and sold off at auction piece by piece. Consider this holding down employers and screaming at them to no longer employ undocumented workers while punching them in the face however long it takes for them to decide that they'd rather follow the law and keep their business than they would break it and lose it. Anything less than a crackdown this hard will not be enough to stop illegal immigration from happening because there is too much economic incentive to do so. Also, be prepared for rising prices on a whole galaxy of things like you just don't know.
3. Stop with the phony outrage and admit that Americans like their cheap products, but are unwilling to give up their human rights and other protections for their own citizens, and are willing to exploit people from other countries in ways they would never allow to happen to their own in order to keep those cheap products. Remember that this is no different than sweatshop-made t-shirts, toys, or sneakers, except that it happens domestically where it saves the United States even more money. Sure, it's an appalling violation of human rights, a great way of creating an infrastructure and support system for undocumented criminals will use just as freely as undocumented workers, and shares quite a few similarities to slavery, but hey we're not willing to give up our own rights, as in the first option, or fight very hard to protect both our rights and the rights of illegal immigrant workers, as in the second option, so we're just going to get down off our moral high horse and admit that we benefit extensively from the blood, sweat, and tears of those who are doing the illegally low-paying, unsafe, and inhumane jobs Americans would never allow to happen to their own. Doing nothing lets their rights continue to get violated. Creating a path to citizenship does nothing to protect the rights of those who choose to remain illegal. Securing the border does nothing to deal with the considerable illegal work force already here with no incentive to become legal because illegality is exactly what makes them extra special employable.
Get off your high horse if you think the borders should be secured. That does nothing. Get off your high horse with your nonsense about jobs Americans just won't do. Those jobs are criminally underpaid, unsafe, and inhumane and your patronizing slogan is elitist and useless at addressing the resulting plight. Get off your high horse about how America is racist against Mexicans. That argument is always followed by a patronizing explanation about how we need Mexicans for their labor. Yeah, Americans who oppose illegal immigration are automatically racist against Mexicans because they oppose their exploitation? All of you, on all sides of this debate are so full of shit. Something's got to give here. Workers' rights go bye bye in the name of cheap prices, the United States attains moral high ground and everything gets expensive, or the status quo is maintained and we admit this isn't about border security, immigrants, or race. Money, morality, or cold elitist pragmatism. Make. Your. Choice.
-Frank
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