Normality

Normal is not as useful a term as people think it is. Normal is just a matter of conforming to norms and what are norms except the way most people are? Norms are not automatically good or desirable. Positive change only comes about from those willing to challenge norms. Not conforming to norms can have negative consequences, but if they only originate as backlash resulting from violation of said norms, this says nothing about the value of the norms themselves in any real sense. It is a societal norm to not murder your grandmother. It is also a societal norm to be heterosexual. Violating either norm can have negative consequences. The former will have said consequences because there was a good reason to have that norm and the latter will have bad consequences only because of the backlash. When a child asks about being normal, she is not worried about the consequences of her personality violating norms in and of themselves, but the backlash for doing so. Being normal has nothing to do with virtue, morality, ethics, value, or sanity. It is merely the capacity and willingness to conform to norms.

Conformity is a major a valuable social skill and the inability or inborn unwillingness to do so is a big part of what gets autistics into trouble. In my own life, I can tell you that the seemingly minor autistic trait of noise sensitivity can cause a great deal of issues in a wide variety of contexts. Think about where young people like to socialize. Mostly, we're talking about sporting events, live concerts, clubs, and rowdy house parties. While the intensity varies, what these things have in common is that they are loud. Not only are they loud, but their loudness is a point of pride and, in some cases, seen as not only acceptable but the primary source of enjoyment. So what happens when you're doing your best to fit in and make friends as a young autistic person and the issue that you find the experience of most social venues bordering on torturous? Well, you don't get out much, that's what. Actually, in my pre-college days, I didn't have any friends at all, and I think my aversion to the primary venues of social interaction had a lot to do with that. There are far more problematic traits of autism that can be even more inconvenient across a wide spectrum of situations, but you can see how one relatively minor trait may do cascading damage.

Those who conform well will be treated well. That's the nature of our species and you can bet that anyone who is considered normal and well-adjusted got to be that way by, at a minimum, their ability to fake conformity when the situation called for it. One can, in most of life's situations, manage to make friends without the ability to conform, but this is a hard road with circles that tend to be small and mostly of one's own gender. This kind of friendship can be very good because it is based yoni honest affection between individuals. A person capable of being friends with oneself while knowing and accepting that one cannot conform accommodate them in any way is a unique and special friend worth having. In a strange way, when one cannot conform, one is giving up all the advantages that come with conforming and claiming all the advantages, as well as disadvantages, that come with conformity. So when anyone, especially a child asks you if you think they're normal, you must remember what they're really asking is whether they're doing a good enough job of conforming.

-Frank