Anti-Valentine's Day Cake

Last year, I was able to celebrate Valentine's Day with all the appropriate gusto one can when one is with someone. Most years, like this year, have found me alone and unable to truly celebrate the holiday in the spirit in which it was intended. I used to hate the holiday for the same reason a lot of chronically single do, which is that they simply feel overlooked and thought less of by a the presence of holiday celebrating romantic love, along with significant jealousy towards those who have love while they need go without. However, is is not really a fair way to feel. Celebration of the happiness of some is clearly not meant to overlook or downplay the misery of others. That said, there's just so clearly nothing for a single person to do on the holiday under existing tradition. Well, I've got a plan that involves acknowledging the misery, along with the freedom, that chronically single people like myself must endure, even as I openly acknowledge that I could likely find myself a girlfriend again if I wanted. This last aspect does, however, help me come up with things about being chronically single that are good. As with surprisingly many problems in life, I find this one is best dealt with via the cunning use of cake. To that end, I have devised a cake design that I will soon order from Amycakes, my preferred local bakery.

The size and flavor will be that of an 8" lemon cream, the idea being that the cake and frosting are light and a bit better, contrasted with the usual density and sweetness of chocolate or red velvet. There will be light green coloration all around the side, like neon green, and it will be topped with leaf green borders and accents. Basically, the idea is to have it be the inverse of the usual pink and red. As for the writing on the top, it should be in the leaf green coloration. It should read, "I'm single, so here's a cake for no reason. Most predominantly, the final decoration will be whatever approximation is feasible of those chalky hearts with words like, "Hug me," written on them. I don't know how many of the said chalky heart decorations Amycakes will be able to fit, so here's twenty possible options of what to put on the chalky heart decorations. Each will be either a parody of sayings that appear on actual chalky hearts, something poignant about being chronically single, or something that is supposed to be a funny observation on being chronically single. Amycakes will be instructed to fit whatever they think is funniest among the list of 20, on account of that aspect being the most important, for my purposes, out of all the suggested text for the chalky heart decorations listed below.

1. I (heart) my hand.
2. D&D4ME.
3. So lonely.
4. No cats.
5. Extra chair.
6. No hugs.
7. Snippity Snippity.
8. One & Done.
9. My remote.
10. Jewelry? No.
11. Yay porn!
12. Dining table? No.
13. Candles? No.
14. I (heart) Farts.
15. I'm Mine.
16. Sane: FU.
17. Only Me.
18. Hermit 4Life.
19. Not My Baby.
20. Calm Down.

Of all the goals I have with this anti-Valentine's Day cake concept, paramount is that it be an effort to be funny and empathetic to those traditionally left out of the holiday. By calling it an, "anti-Valentine's Day cake," I am aware that I may appear to oppose the holiday and somehow wish to somehow disrespect the love of the many millions of people the holiday is meant to honor. That being how it may well be perceived, I wish to clarify that that is most certainly not the case here. Instead, view the use of the concept of, "anti," here as more along the lines of, "complementary," in the sense of helping to complete something. Plenty of us out there do not have romantic love. Some of us can't find it, others can't manage it when we do find it, still others know they shouldn't have it, however much they may want it, and a few don't even seek it due to not having the desire for it. Most of us in these categories recognize that there are things to celebrate and things to lament about being chronically single. On the celebratory side, there is increased disposable income, increased personal freedom, and decreased personal responsibility and on the lamentation side, there is increased loneliness, decreased support system, and the lack of progeny to carry on whatever legacy one might imagine oneself to possess. All I mean by this cake is roughly what Festivus means in the context of Christmas.

-Frank