If You Give Up

Many of my recent articles are about autism directly, and this one is too. However, it is not about it as directly because it is about what men are to do once they realize they cannot manage relationships. Autistic women are not included here for a few reasons, such as underdiagnosis, the fact that the relevant hard and soft sciences know far less about them than their male counterparts, and the simple fact that I am not an autistic woman. If you doubt that this is a fairly common circumstance for autistic men, I invite you to go on the autistic message board sometime and try not to drown in the river of tears you will find. Compared to some autistic men, not including low-functioning enough ones that are incapable of human interaction in the first place, I have done sort of well. Six serious relationships, one engagement, a few one night stands, and the like are better than you'll find quite a few autistic men ever manage to do. Some keep trying, even in futility, but there are plenty, like me, who call it quits.

The first thing I want to address is that it is important to guard against the onset of misogyny. Here, there is much overlap with the geek community, which is a population grouping with which autistic men often find themselves affiliated. Both groups of men often find themselves practitioners of sexist practices like putting women on a pedestal, the Madonna/whore complex, feelings of sexual entitlement, and viewing women as prizes to be won. At worst, resentment can lead to more hostile sexism like slut-shaming, verbally attacking attractive women for being unattainable and unattractive women for not living up to their expectations, and complaining of being friendzoned/that women only go for jerks. Maturity is the cure for all this, starting with the understanding that your problems, whatever they are, are your own and that women of all stripes have their own lives to lead, problems to solve, and no obligation whatsoever to solve yours or be with you despite them. What you want can be the thing you hate, but you must not.

Maturity will mean that, once you've figured our that you can't manage relationships, you must avoid the temptation to be in them. I could probably get into another one if I wanted to by getting back on match, but I know better than that. If you want sexual release, go use the Internet for its primary purpose and, if you require a simulation of intimacy, and are willing to accept the dangers, pay a professional. Otherwise, the female of the species ought to be functionally no different in the context of your interactions than the male of the species. You may, like me, wonder if giving up on love means accepting a loss of your basic humanity. Well, yes it does and that's a bitter pill you are obligated to swallow. Yours will be a life of no one to lie beside you at night, no children to carry on your legacy, and, ultimately, the loss of a family life. Accepting this is as painful as it is necessary. Maybe you believe you can yet manage relationships, and, if so, keep plugging away. Give up completely if you're going to give up though, and find what peace you can.

-Frank