Reevaluation

One of the things about a diagnosis of autism received well into adulthood is it changes your entire past. Everything that ever went wrong for you socially, every physical task you just couldn't perform, every relationship that was toxic and left you lost, every job at which you've failed to succeed, and every time you've felt your back to the wall because, somehow, you were the one holding yourself against it and you couldn't make yourself let go all must be reevaluated and seen in light of the fact that something was wrong with you the whole time. There's a reason the other kids didn't want to be your friend, that your motor skills aren't normal, that connecting with someone romantically is full of toil and unseen danger, that you couldn't handle the workplace politics, break room interactions, multitasking, or pressure, and you've so long thought of yourself as your own worst any. Any or none of these things may apply to a given autistic. They all apply to me, and it's forced me to reevaluate everything.

The healthy part of this kind of reevaluating is that it compels me to let go of a lot of anger, especially towards the people with whom I grew up. Sure, I was constantly picked on, socially isolated, had soccer ball kicked in my nuts once, and, by high school, was regularly and literally spat upon, but I can't really blame my former classmates for any of that. First of all, they were just kids, second of all I should really let it go after 16 years, and third of all I was so weird that they probably didn't know how to react to me. Hell, I sure didn't know how to react to me. On some level, this kind of behavior is about social correction. Negative reinforcement is supplied both consciously and unconsciously in an attempt to enforce conformity to social norms. How were they supposed to know that I was neurologically unable to conform to norms? An autistic like me needs logical reasons to forgive being wronged and I think this meets that criteria. Certain of the worst offenders have apologized to me, which is nice, but I still had to put it to bed myself.

Having concluded that I am not employable or capable of managing a relationship means concluding that I never was in the first place. So the negative part of all this reevaluating is that I'm seeing a lot of futility and wasted time in my past. It seems every employer for whom I briefly and unsuccessfully worked a job, or even presented a resume and/or filled out an application, is owed an apology for wasting their time. Likewise, all of the women I've dated or asked out, expect for the ones who simply set out to hurt me, deserve an apology for wasting their time. Essentially, as I reevaluate my past, I find I must either forgive or ask for forgiveness. Of course, all of this was necessary in the learning process, but that very learning process is one of the most lamentable things about undiagnosed autism. In the process of learning your limitations and interacting with others, you're going to give and get a whole lot of hurt. Once you know you have autism, you can start going a little easier on people and, hopefully, they can go a little easier on you.

-Frank