If I Lost It All

In my previous article, I noted that I have told my therapist that I have no suicidal ideation, which is common question that comes up during therapy for depression. While this is true, it is important to think about all scenarios that might arise. There are circumstances that could cause most people to kill themselves. John McCain attempted suicide during the worst of his time as a P.O.W. in Vietnam. Alan Turing poisoned himself when faced with a choice between hormone treatments or hard prison time following successful prosecution for homosexuality at the hands of the Crown. Dr. Jack Kevorkian assisted many people with suicide when their chronic illnesses became too much to any longer endure. For myself, I could live with the various complications diabetes may one day inflict. If I were, by some foul circumstance, denied my primary social outlet at the Just For Him cigar shoppe, I could endure as I did in my friendless childhood. However, if the money my family has ensured sustains me ever goes, I make no promises.

I wouldn't turn to suicide as my first recourse if I ever lost my money, mind you. Mine has been a life marked by tremendous generosity to family and friends and I would hope financial help would be forthcoming from some of them. If that isn't the case though, the circumstances would become more dire. Applying for disability due to autism, as another autistic friend has already successfully done, would be my only option at that point. It's not difficult for me to imagine the sort of life would entail. First, I'd need to sell every major asset I own. That means the condo, car, computer, phone, and anything else of significant value. From there, I'd need to get a studio apartment walking distance from a grocery store. All the disability money would need to go to rent and groceries, as there would not be sufficient funds for anything beyond that. With pens, pencils, and paper I already own, I would continue to write, as that would be the only remaining hobby I could afford. How long I could endure under these circumstances, I don't know, but I can't imagine I'd last long.

Although the scenario I describe in the above paragraph frightens me immensely, I repress that emotion the same way I repress all emotions. What would truly break me, I think is the lack of stimulating hobbies and the loss of the ability to help others. While I have lost some of life's greatest pleasures and have been forced to admit my own lack of potential because of the severity of my autism, things are still sufficiently comfortable that I do not think I will crack under the pressures of my disability. We all need a support system and to take an active role in feeding the things in our lives that we know are necessary for us to be happy. I know my family put aside the money off of which I must live because some of them were farsighted enough to see that my current circumstances would be forthcoming in the fullness of time, and I'm grateful for that because it is truly something I will always need. When I think of all the people who must live with disabilities as severe or worse than mine without the resources I am so fortunate to have, I pity them and I must not ever forget that I am only a few turns of bad luck away from being among their number.

-Frank