What would you tell a younger version of yourself if you could go back in time to a pivotal moment when everything you could say would have the most impact. While I imagine some of you may have contemplated this question, I can assure you that I have contemplated it more than anyone. Usually, contemplating this question is about telling your young self how to avoid certain pitfalls and to zig where you had originally zagged. There's some of that in my case, to be sure, but I would also utterly break myself from hope. The point would not be to direct my younger self towards a better life, but to instead discourage him from wasting so much time pursuing one in vain. This could not be done in a quick aside, but would require an extended sit-down wherein I would explain some of the hard lessons I've learned and why the pursuit of happiness is not a quest worth undertaking. No doubt, younger me would be resistant and insist upon believing that, with enough effort and tenacity, he could overcome any obstacles in his way. He would still be stuck in the idea that his potential is unlimited and unwilling to consider that the greatest obstacle to his own success and happiness is himself. That is why I would need to speak with him for several hours to lay bare the facts of the future and convince him, beyond the slightest shadow of a reasonable doubt, that I have memories that he does not and should not want.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, I would first explain to him that he is autistic and that this means, in his case, that he is not employable or capable of managing a romantic relationship. There would be no mention of avoiding a specific woman, only to simply accept virginity as the better state. To back this up, I would tell him of the money he would lose, the physical and mental wounds he would suffer, the humiliation and heartbreak he would endure, and the terrible things he would learn about himself if he failed to heed this advice. Never again would he even mention romantic attraction to anyone, should it develop, for his own sake. Educationally, I would tell him to finish his master's at Drury and then be done with college. If he insisted he would try to get a job, I would tell him of his gastrointestinal motility disorder, his crippling anxiety, his inability to conform, his uncontrollable tendency to alienate coworkers and superiors, his inability to operate a broom or mop, his complete inability to multitask, and explain that these make an unemployable human being. Writing in a blog like this one would be the only career I'd suggest for him and I would encourage him to try and monetize it, although I would caution him that he is unlikely to ever be able to do so. Staying in Springfield for the rest of his life would be insisted upon and he would be encouraged to spend as much of his time as he can at the Just For Him pipe and cigar shop. Finally, I would explain atheism and skepticism to him so he would be less likely to to find himself cheated.
Overall, my goal when having this conversation with my past self would be to make him accept his status as a profoundly disabled man. The specific moment I would choose would be his college graduation from Drury in 2003. By then, he wasn't really all that bad off yet. He hadn't had his first date, he hadn't ever held a real job with real pressure, and he believed he could go anywhere or do anything. Essentially, I would have to play the hand to him that life would otherwise deal him over the next 12 years. I would encourage him to be humble, to not rebel against his mother so much, and to treasure his family in general, since he will never be able to have one of his own. Likewise, I would tell him not to judge those with whom he grew up too harshly because neither they nor he knew he was autistic. Harrison, I would explain, wasn't so bad, or even that unusual. An autistic kid like him would be hard-pressed to make friends or avoid feeling profoundly alone anywhere in the world. As to the friends he has and will have, I would tell him not to take them for granted or ever fail to do anything he can to help them, for they will be one of his only solaces in this world. His usefulness in this world is quite minor, I would explain, but he does have a unique perspective and a talent for writing. While he will never know the deepest experiences that make a human being, he should write about what he does experience, and anything else he likes, because that is unique. There would be tears, but I will tell him that they are nothing compared to the way I found out all these things.
-Frank
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